History and commentary on the French

Learn about The french

The french have been declared to be "non allies" by Richard Perle

So lets investigate this euro-arabic country that is determined to go their own way....

The following advisory for travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the U.S. State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Center for Disease Control and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about.

It is intended as a guide for travelers only and no guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.

General Overview

France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the continent of Europe, and is for all intent and purposes farking useless.

It is an important member of the world community, although not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence or shopping opportunities.

France is a very old country with many treasures such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to Western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese, the guillotine, and body odor.

One continuing exasperation for English speaking visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, although many will speak English if shouted at repeatedly. Generally they profess a lack of understanding if you try to speak French to them.

The People

France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously over sexed and have no concept of standing patiently in a line.

The French people are generally gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, although you'd hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are Communists and topless sunbathing is common.

Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. All French women don't shave their armpits or their legs.

Safety

In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers are advised that France is occasionally invaded by Germany.

By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitors generally goes on much as before.

A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London.

Government

The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a runoff. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles.

Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (although, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom can be trusted.

Parliament's principal pre occupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the current President is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture

The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is not easy to see why. All of their songs sound the same and they have hardly ever made a movie that you want to watch for anything except the nude scenes.

Nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except perhaps an evening with a French family.)

Cuisine

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent although it is impossible for most non french to pronounce this word.

American travelers are therefore advised to stick to cheeseburgers at McDonald's or the restaurants at the leading hotels such as Sheraton or Holiday Inn. Bring your own beer, as the domestic varieties are nothing but a poor excuse for such.

Economy

France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's economy in Europe, which is surprising since people hardly ever work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors.

France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Conclusion

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French people didn't inhabit it, and it weren't still radioactive from all the nuclear tests they run.

The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Spain.

Remember no one ordered you to go abroad.

 

 

War and the French

Battles fought from here

The French armies of the past have had their asses kicked by just about every other country in the world. Let's take a look at the mighty French military prowess.

Gallic Wars

 Lost.In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War

 Mostly lost, Saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars

Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War

 France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution

 Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War

Tied

War of the Augsburg League / King William's War / French and Indian War

Lost, But claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession

Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlboro, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution

 In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution

 Won, Primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars

Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War

Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I

Tied and pissing their pants on the way to losing, France is saved by the West.

World War II

Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina

Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion

Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French."

This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism

France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.

Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France surrenders?"


More net articles on the French!

 

French Jokes

A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself she must be a flight attendant.... so gorgeous.... which airline does she work for?

Hoping to gain her attention he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, not Delta.

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned toward her again, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally scratched American Airlines off the list.

Next, he tried the United slogan, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"

This time the woman savagely turned on him.... "what the fuck do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair and said, "Ah ha! Air France!"

 

The Roar of the crowd

(or a unique post from a frenchie that can read)

Let me moan, complain, sue and shout.
This is full bullshit !
don't be surprised to be misunderstood on our side of the Atlantic.
Frenchly not yours
Aude Rousselot

Thank you Aude, for your Gallic response, in between bottles of Beaujolais. May I congratulate you on your choice of interpreter.


Well wadda ya know! Another frenchie contacted me! This one must have exhausted his neural network as he sent 5 emails. the first was this ...

si un connard de membre honorable de votre tribu est capable de traduire mot pour mot ce message qu'il sache deja que je l'emmerde et ensuite qu'il transmette ce message a votre organisme viral de l'humanite:rien n'est en dessous de vous et de vos valeurs a part mon caca du matin...god shave the queen

I have no idea what he said, but shaving the Queen sounds like some sort of kinky sex thing. Not giving up he also sent me the following...

your articles about france and french people is very funny!!!but you forgot something:you have forgoten to see your own dirty ass like your inexistent memory!!!you are like your genetic baby ben laden!!!only one question:do you really think elvis is alive?

  4 times ....  French medicine must be very enlightened to have internet access for their psychiatric patients. I am glad that I can help one, at least, practice his email skills.