ABCNEWS.COM - A videotape containing footage of Osama bin Laden, ostensibly designed as a sort of Jihad recruiting tool, is giving the West a rare glimpse into the alleged terrorist mastermind's ideas and organization.
Equally disturbing is the recruitment brochure that comes along with the video:
Osama Bin Laden University Welcomes all new students!
Osama bin Laden University seeks to instill the fundamentals of terrorism in its students. Whether you want the glorious martyrdom of killing hundreds of infidels in an embassy bombing, or the more personal satisfaction of hunting down a blasphemous author in a mullah-sanctioned fatwa, OBLU can get you where you want go!
If you can answer yes to more than half of the following, a career in terror may be for you!
Located in the magnificently rugged mountains of Afghanistan, OBLU's campus ranks as one of the most beautiful educational settings in the world. Miles of running trails wend their way through the snowy passes. And keeping a sharp eye out for land mines keeps fitness buffs strong in both body and mind!
All our students start off with a solid basis in the core areas of modern terrorism. By the end of freshman year, you will know how to: lob stones effectively, burn flags without burning yourself, chant angry slogans for hours thanks to foot-friendly arch inserts, and much, much more!
By your junior year, you will have declared a major. You might learn to operate class "c" vehicles such as cars and light trucks. Or you could decide to master the art of docking with American Destroyers on an inflatable boat. If you're an advanced student, you might even get to study at the post-graduate level, trying to harvest the Ebola virus from bloody, dying monkeys with your bare hands!
Dean of School Osama bin Laden is the most universally recognized figure in world terror today. He has successfully brought down the Soviet Empire due to his acclaimed Jihad in Afghanistan, and now is continuing his work against the great Shaitan, America. With a $10 million dollar bounty on his head, Professor bin Laden must be doing something right!
Recent graduates have gone to such exotic locales as Kenya, Tanzania, Yemen, and even New York City! What better way to see the world than on a holy mission to destroy it?
WHY JIHAD. . .
"I used to just sit around and hate Americans. Now, I get the great personal satisfaction of doing
something about it."
"I like the idea of going straight to paradise and all I have to do is get gunned down while killing
Israelis. Do the math. It's a no-brainer!"
"I used to think making the streets run red with blood was just hyperbole. Now, I know that with a
whole lot of elbow grease, and just a little bit of semtex in a truck, it can definitely be done!"
"I like getting together with my friends, going down to the assembly hall and yelling "Jihad" for hours
and hours. It's fun!"
Of course, OBLU is not just a "terror factory." From volleyball to tetherball, students enjoy a variety of social and enrichment events outside of their daily Jihad duties. Many of the friendships made at school are strong enough to last for all eternity in the hall of martyrs!
OBLU students also enjoy these perks:
Apply today for Osama bin Laden University. You'll get in, if Allah wills it.
Still unsure? Take our OBLU-sanctioned extension course, "the How-To's of International Terrorism," offered at a Learning Annex near you.
This article has been liberated from National Lampoon.com