Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly) . . . and says, "Here, you can go."
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said " Oops .. . .
My neighbour has a circular driveway. He can't get out
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers . . .
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect
I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
What a nice night for an evening
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go to her office. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . oohh, that's much better.
I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
My school colors were clear.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake up letter
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks - I'm not going that far."
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
I'm a peripheral visionary
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better.
I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... (Slow glance upward.)